Pain--Loving Something When It Hurts

I love soccer.

I love playing the game in 90 degree heat, in 40 degree cold, in rain, in the dark, and even when the wind is blowing against my team (thus making it harder to kick the ball at the net). I love playing and I love colliding with other players. I love being knocked to the ground and I love even more to knock others to the ground (or at least I did until I realized many of the women I play against are mothers or possibly pregnant). 

But the sport hurts me.

I have sustained countless injuries that I wore with pride like a badge. Pulled quads, pulled calves, sprained ankles, a broken nose, and of course, lost toenails. Every season I would hope my blackened toenail would hang on through the summer and I would cover its ugliness up in red nail polish. All of these injuries irritated me but also made me proud. Each one was a badge. "How about you just lay down on the ground while I beat you with a stick?" asked a friend, exasperated by injuries.

"Would there be a way to win?" I asked.

.....

Pain in soccer is glorious and something that fills me with pride.

Pain in relationships sends me running. I am instantly ashamed.

.....

I was reading my book about the pain of abandonment and learned that the brain acts like a trauma victim when we are left by someone we love, or when we perceive we are left. Literally the body goes into panic mode: we are more alert, more observant, more prone to startling, and our brain records the pain and the event permanently into our neurons.

Hence, whenever an event reminding us of the trauma of abandonment occurs, our body again goes into panic mode.

How, I wonder, will I ever find my way into another relationship considering I am a trauma victim? 

The pain of my last relationship makes me pull back from anything real and flinch at the first sign of trouble. It sends me back to old pre-marriage patterns of harmlessly kissing boys who are visiting from out of town once in a while and shying away when anyone seems too interested. It makes me flinch when the guy I really care about uses a dismissive tone of voice with me. It makes me want to build up the walls, hunker down, and put on the armor. 

Funny thing. Armor-- amore... so similar in terms of letters. Do we need armor to approach amore? 

I know my brain wants to protect me. I know it sets up barriers in order to prevent more trauma. What I hope to learn is that I am already whole. If someone leaves me, the world does not end. I am trying to learn that it's ok to take risks and to open myself up for a relationship. I am trying to learn to brush off pain in search of love.

Loving soccer is easy despite the pain. Pain in athletics our culture celebrates. Pain in relationships our culture denigrates. If someone is hurt by love that person is weak. But I don't have to buy into that. I don't have to buy into the glorification or denigration of pain. 

I can just accept that sometimes it happens; we get hurt, we are injured, we have to take a break. But if we want to, we believe that the injury will heal. If we want to, we can still keep playing.