Lucky me

Today the sun was shining brightly, and though it was less than zero degrees outside, I felt optimistic, productive, happy. I drove to a coffee shop, lost myself in a brief writing project, took care of looming deadlines, and talked to a friend who happened to be there at the same time.

I was planning to go to fitness yoga at 5:30. Or possibly soul grooves at 6:00. But at 4:30 I left the coffee shop and walked a block to the grocery store. At 4:50 I left the grocery store. The sun was dropping; the temp was dropping faster. I walked two blocks to my car and in that time decided neither yoga nor grooving was happening tonight. I would go home to my yorkie poo and eat dinner instead.

This was a simple decision, but there's something grander inside it. I choose what I want to do in my life. I answer to no one. I earn my keep and go where I want. I can choose to go to happy hour with friends, choose to pursue an internship, choose to study, choose to read, to sleep, to exercise, to eat, drink, or indulge myself in a manicure or massage. I can choose to replace debt from a mortgage with debt from an education. No one else is responsible for figuring this out. No one else needs to be factored into my decision (save the yorkie poo, of course).

I get to do whatever I want with my one, precious, wild life.

I am overwhelmed by the freedom in my life.

As I chatted with the friendly acquaintance I ran into he asked me what I was doing, working on, reading, writing, etc. I told him about a trip I am taking in the summer- a trip to Europe involving exploration, writing, and a class on creativity in Crete. Listening to myself I realized just how many possibilities I have at my fingertips and how many accomplishments I have already achieved. Last year at this time I remember thinking maybe I will take a sabbatical, maybe I will pursue an internship, maybe this, and maybe that. This year I have met each of my goals. It's like the destruction of last year has led to this magic reassembly of the life of my dreams. I literally can't believe how everything feels so purposeful now.

*****

Last week, another friend of mine told me about a woman she knows in Guatemala. This woman moved to the states with her family when she was four and lived here until she was fourteen. Then she moved home, met a man, devastatingly handsome I am sure, and he, when she was eighteen, convinced her not to go to college even though she was very smart, but to have a baby. With him. So she did. And he left her. Cheated. 

So she left him. Moved in with her family. Taught classes at an English school. Met a British man. Fell in love.

Re-enter baby's daddy. Jealous. Persuasive. I love you now. That's over. She resisted. Wanted to move to England with love-of-her-life #2. Find a job in England. Pursue her education. Her family kicked her out. Make this work with the father of your child. Move into his apartment and accept what he gives you.

There are no opportunities for single women with children in Guatemala. There's no daycare. She is trapped. He got her.

*****

I think of this because this woman does not have the choices I have. And, while sometimes it feels like it might be nice to rely on someone else, to have someone take care of me, I realize that my right to provide for myself and choose my own path in life is a right that many women are denied in this world.

I don't need to feel guilty for being allowed by my society to pursue this right. But I need to recognize not everyone has it. I need to acknowledge that everyone who pursued a right previously denied to their demographic, MLKJ, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Emma Goldman, and more, possessed a strength I can't imagine. And a strength that paved the way for my life today.

I am not nearly as strong as my heroes. Venturing out of marriage and stability and the expectations of my family and society has been one of the most rewarding and difficult adventures of my life. I don't think I am cut out to change social conditions in our world. It is enough for me to have changed conditions in my own life. I almost became a physical therapist to please my mother. I almost stayed in a relationship lacking intimacy and respect because I was trying to be good. And now- now, I feel like I'm setting out on the seas- not sure what I will find on the horizon. 

It is disquieting, and sometimes fills me with anxiety, but ultimately I realize how lucky I am to be in this life. 

Now the sun has set. I am at home. The dishes are done and put away. The temperature has dropped to 13 degrees below zero. It is 8:23 p.m. and the hours stretch out before me, awaiting my decision, my direction, my desire, my plan.

And what, I wonder, will I decide to do next?

*****

My life is what I decide it to be.

Oh Lucky, lucky, oh, lucky me...