Getting to the end

Last night I dreamt about a cheetah locked in a basement, one I thought would eat my dog when he went flying down the stairs to investigate, but when I followed him, I saw they were playing happily.

I don't know what this means.

Maybe it means the things I am scared of are not as threatening as I believe they are.

Right now I'm scared of returning to the past. I'm scared of failing in the future. I worry about how it will all turn out. I worry about how I'll feel when I look back.

I can't wrap my head around the order of things and I don't know how it will all come together.

***

On Friday night I went running with a friend around the lake near my apartment for four miles. It was the first time I'd been running in weeks and I was not in as good of shape as the woman next to me who ran three miles every day.

At the end of the run is a hill that goes on for four blocks. Each step made me want to quit. My friend next to me was chirping away about life and the conference she had just been at for the afternoon, and all I could think was "don't quit; don't quit; don't quit." My lungs felt like they were recycling air without taking away any oxygen. I wanted the job to be over.

As I was contemplating quitting and pretending not to wheeze while my friend talked, I remembered running that same hill with another friend. She told me how her philosophy on hills was always to concentrate on the ground immediately in front of her, and not to look at how far she had to go, just to look down and keep moving her feet. One. at. a. time.

I stuck to this methodology and kept thinking about moving only one step at a time. Before I knew it the grade was easing. And before too long we were running down a small hill for the last two blocks of the job.

I had stopped thinking about the whole run and started concentrating only on what I was doing in the minute.

***

Last week at my COSA meeting, the first one I've been to in months, I flipped open the page of a meditation book to read an entry. It was on patience. On letting God work at a pace I didn't try to control or force. On allowing a process to work itself out in my life. One. step. at. a. time.

***

I don't know how this will all end up, but I know it will end. It will somehow get done and it will get done without me worrying about it. It will work itself out and all I have to do is keep pressing the keys.

One. step. at. a. time.