Wednesday, April 22, 2009

What You Are Not

I saw you running around the lake on Saturday. You were not looking at me. Or maybe you were, but not when I was looking at you, when I was seeing you jog to the left of me and when I followed your back into the distance. I was not trying to remember your breathing. I was trying not to think of the music on your ipod. Not noticing the clothing that you wore, the clothing that used to intermingle with mine in our dryer, on our limbs.

            I was trying not to notice these things because you are not in my life. You are not in my bed each night. You are not walking in the door with a little smile on your face. You are not calling me goofy or teasing me for spilling and being clumsy. You are not walking with me in twilit evenings on new-family blocks. You are not telling me about the starlings who chased you on your run.

            You are not in my bed but you are no longer missing from bed either. You are not lying to me. You are not lying to me. You are not lying to me.

           

I guess because you are not lying to me it makes me miss you lying next to me. I guess because you are not in my life, I cannot help wondering where in life you are. Where are you in this universe? Besides running away in front of me, being exactly where you should not. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Reviewing the Evidence

How do I enter this space- this space I want to write about? 

For weeks I have been contemplating a memoir selection for class. My Eureka!-moment suggested a structure built on a tornado of grief, swirling in and around the five stages grief I experienced and experience over the end of my marriage. 

What I am finding is five stages can't hold my grief. Can't begin to address addiction. Can't possibly contain my story.

Thus- I am left without a stage, but with a thought. An elegiac memory. A picture of denial. Could they both be true? Could both exist truly at one shared instant?

The instant is a photograph.
Rather, a series of photographs. 
Taken by my ex.
On my birthday.

In the series of eight photographs, I am wearing a black dress draping over my shoulders, nearly falling off and covering my thighs, but not my knees, my calves, or my bare feet. I am perched on the back of a black couch, legs outstretched. There is a person, hard to see, laying on the couch (visible by an upreached arm in the eighth). I am in front of a wall containing a window. There is a lot of light shining through the window (from a kitchen). It is in black and white.

[What is happening in this picture is that I am dramatically retelling the story of our 12-course meal at Allinea in Chicago where I went to celebrate my 29th, Golden, birthday with my best friend, her husband, and my husband. (He bought a suit. It looked like he should wear it to a funeral. But oh, he was cute to me.) After the dinner we went to a club. It is now about four in the morning and I am explaining our dinner, drunkenly, animatedly, to my best friend's sister.]

There are many things about this series of photos that makes me cringe. My nose, always, for instance, annoys me. It looks so different on film than I imagine it looks on my face. My hair is frizzy. My arms look beefy. My eyes have their typical photo-demonic glare. My chin is dissatisfying. The dress is not nearly as glamorous as I remember.

But, still.

If I may be vain for a moment, there is something I love about the me in these pictures. Something everyone in the room loved. 

I remember being swept up in the story, in describing the deconstructed edibles, the shooters of celery, white chocolate, and horse-radish, the gelatinous Guiness squares laying neatly over beef, the bacon glazed and strung on a bow. I remember the life-love serum that was flowing through my veins. 

I remember my friend saying to my husband, "Are you getting this?"
And he nodded, pointing the camera, still, in my direction.

He captured these images. He thought to pick up the camera. To frame my exuberance. My love. 

Though there are ungraceful angles of my chin and my shoulders seem bulky, there are delicate gestures in my wrists and my ankles that allow me to fall a little in love with myself. My fingers gesture like pirouettes and my eyebrows are ballerinas. 

I was happy in this moment.

This moment, 36 days before my life fell apart.

Of course, that is not the truth.
The truth is my life was falling apart. Had been. Maybe always was. My whole life- a collision course for August 5th, 2007. 
And so, I ask of the picture--was it happiness? Was it love? Was it denial? Was it false?

****

There were many pictures that summer.
The pictures from the summer before were of a different sort. Pictures that stimulated me as I traced my husband's cyber-footsteps even as they nauseated me. Pictures that held me sometimes for hours as I backtracked over url addresses and scrolled through our history, our secret files hidden in other files on the computer.

The pictures of other women, of other women with other men, pulled my husband out of my bed at early hours and kept him watching late at night. 

These pictures, pictures that moved, that spoke, that purred, that moaned, fed the constantly growing sorrow that eclipsed the love of two young people wanting desperately to make best what they could of companionship, of a sort-of love. Of a really-love. 

Let's be honest.

****

Could my husband love me when he could only lie to me? Could he be intimate with me when his addiction was a crueler mistress than I? She was the jealous one. The one making him call every night. The one pulling him ever from me. 

His body betrayed the one he answered to. But did it mean he loved her more?

****

How could both truths of this image exist? How could this be both a picture of my love, my joy and also my denial, my fear? How could he love me enough to capture this series and then love me so little it was no trouble for him to turn me out of the house when I said I wanted a divorce?

****

There is another image of that weekend. Another photo taken by my ex. In it, I am asleep to my consciousness. It is from the previous morning. I am lazy. Reluctant to roll out of the futon. I am unaware I am being photographed. My head turns down toward my left shoulder, my breasts under a pink tank top point at the camera, my right arm is bent at the shoulder and tucking my hair up around the crown of my head, my left arm rests, almost suggestively, against on top of my left hip bone. Again, my nose annoys me. Again I am dismayed by my chin. Again I see the love in this photo. The love that compelled my ex to pick up the camera and capture this image, his wife slow-weekend waking up. 

****

This is why things were complicated.
This is why it was hard to leave. 

Remembering Iran in Black and White, in Glaring Light

John Berger, in his book Keeping a Rendezvous, a compilation of essays on art criticism and life observations, notes that "Painting brings home. The cinema transports elsewhere" (14), meaning that a painting is rooted in the sense of a shared setting between the viewer and the piece of art, while cinema serves to allow the viewer to escape her setting and journey out into the realm of the film directs her to, the surreal, the other-real, the historical-real. A movie moves, it transports, and it changes time, size, shape, and tone. A painting is absorbed whole, in a moment, and the leaps that occur around it occur not through the director's guidance, but in the mind of the viewer.

In thinking of this, I begin to see Reading Lolita in Tehran, by Azar Nafisi, as the memoir that most resembles film, while Persepolis, by Marjane Satrapi, a graphic memoir also about Iran, as the memoir that resembles painting. In Reading Lolita in Tehran, Nafisi wanders, she reflects, pontificates, observes and moves closer to and away from the political and personal trauma experienced during the shifting regimes and fundamentalism polluting Iran from the late 70's. Her memoir, to me, hearkens the film Y Tu, Mama, Tambien. There are piercing rays of light bouncing off shores, boys too bright in cars, a woman in white on a balcony, a hut, shadows, dapples of light, a road, leaves. Mostly it is the lighting of the film that most resembles the memoir, the shifting distance and brightness, the way it hurts to look at it, and the way it makes everything hazy.

Nafisi frames her memoir around books. She splits her thoughts into four sections--Lolita, Gatsby, James, and Austen--books I would hardly associate with the restrictions felt by the tightening grasp of Iranian fundamentalism during the time period she observes. She writes about her encounters with her students, of their discussions of the text, and in between, of the atrocities felt in her culture as freedoms are stripped from the people, oddly, as veils are forced to cloak the women. 

The balance in this memoir between personal and academic tips mightily in the direction of academic. Nafisi is a thinker, a fact she asserts herself when she says "I am too much of an academic: I have written too many papers and articles to be able to turn my experiences and ideas into narratives without pontificating" (266). She devotes one page to her terror over the bombings in Tehran when she was pregnant with her second child and says simply, "Tehran was the object of continual bombings and I had become hysterical" (171) but gives three chapters to a class period during which the class put the novel The Great Gatsby on trial as to whether or not it was corrupting society. She does not bring us into her hysteria. She brings us into her classroom.

In contrast, Persepolis, like a painting, brings to its readers an immediacy inescapable. Satrapi portrays no flickering lights. Her memoir is not angles of light shining too brightly, not hazy edges, shadows, or dappling spots on a landscape. Her memoir is black and white. It is instant. Whole. Visceral. Emotional.

Both memoirs, for instance, describe the suicide soldiers convinced to fight for the Islamic army in exchange for a tin key painted gold, the key to paradise. Nafisi describes this in prose. Distant, reflective, intelligent prose. Satrapi frames an image in two blocks of text, at the top: "The key to paradise was for poor people. Thousands of young kids, promised a better life, exploded on the minefields with their keys around their necks" and after the image, the line, "Mrs. Nasrine's son managed to avoid that fate, but lots of other kids from his neighborhood didn't" (102). More powerful, though, is the image, bodies convulsing upwards, lines indicating explosions, and fingers grasping at keys. Satrapi brings us to the horror she felt, without the eloquence, but with lots of guts.

The two memoirs couldn't approach their subject more differently, but there is, of course, good reason for that. Two women do not experience the same thing in the same way. The Iranian society registered differently in two different women who were at two different time periods in their own development and who had two different sets of coping mechanisms in order to confront the Iranian regime.

Satrapi makes it clear that her Persepolis is "A Memoir of a Childhood" and so the memoir hangs on the arc of her growth from childhood to adolescence, ending when she leaves Iran as a teenager to go to school in a safer place. The arc, the structure, allows her to naturally let the political events and her personal response to them shape the memoir. She conveys the experiences she felt as a child by going into that child's emotional make-up. She uses image to bring a sense of immediacy to the reader. She cuts the narrative to a skeleton and lets images convey the flesh. 

Nafisi, a grown woman at the time of these political changes, cannot use the "coming-of-age" structure to build her memoir. She must find some other shape upon which to drape her story. Her selection makes perfect sense for her background. Frame it in books. Let the stories inform her story. 

In a way, Nafisi has the much harder task. And her unwillingness to plunge into the personal emotions she felt is, in a way, noble. She focuses her attention on her students, on her magician, on her encounters with other faculty. She sees herself, clearly, as lucky and does not dwell on her own frustrations for long. Moreover, it is not hard to imagine that as a mother, relying on books for sanity saved her from giving over to the terror that she must have felt during a time in which terror became boring and so it makes sense that this became the framework for her book.

And so, the interesting question is this: which is better? The film or the painting? Womanly and reserved? Child-like and visceral? What is the task of the memoirist? What depths must the writer plunge to? Allow the reader to see? 

Memoir, like art, has no rules. It may, in the future, have patterns, and even evolution, but at this point, there is no rule about what memoir must do other than be focused on what is remembered. 

This is not to say that memoir requires no craft nor academic awareness, but only suggesting that memoir, like visual art, serves many purposes. Movies transport the viewer away from the present setting and into a new setting. Paintings bring the other setting to the viewer. Memoirs can do both and do so under the instruction of their writers. 

For myself, (and I say this begrudgingly) I believe my personal writing must unearth the emotion. It must root in the muck. It must dredge up the dirty guts and reveal them to the reader. I don't like doing it, but there is a certain instinct in me questing for the barest truth, the autopsy of the memory.

We are the century born after Freud. We have adapted in ways Darwin couldn't have predicted. The emotional is not to be scoffed at. It is part of the evolution.