October Morning

This is not the blog I intended to write. There is a better one about space and home and place lingering in my mind but I cannot access it just now. Instead I’m irritated. I’m really feeling cranky and so I must write to figure out why.

 

And I’m already bored with the problem but it’s still there- wiggling away in my brain.

 

It starts with an October morning of gloominess- weather sinking into the consciousness. Outside it is rainy and damp and gray and chilly and inside my head it is the perfect weather for curling up with a guy and watching movies… or for feeling sorry for myself that there is no such person in my life.

 

Thus, in this sort of self-pitying mood, the place where I feel a little lonely, I found myself annoyed when the loneliness was broken by the piercing chirp of a text message on my telephone, from a man I thought I had managed to get rid of months ago.

 

Perhaps I sound harsh.

 

But the thing is, six months ago he would text, I would get excited, we’d spend time together, then he’d disappear, and I would feel crushed, but he would eventually text again, and again, I would take the bait and get reeled in just so he could disappear. Again.

 

Hey!

 

Oh please, I thought. Hey? That’s it? Six months later you reach out with Hey?

 

How have you been?

 

And here’s where I get annoyed. With myself. I cannot be rude. I respond. He continues to ask questions. I am polite but I don’t ask questions back. I don’t prolong the conversation.

 

I’ve missed ya

 

Now I’m fuming. Not this game, I think. He doesn’t miss me. He’s lonely. And maybe it’s because I’m lonely too that I cannot tolerate his loneliness. His half-hearted attempt to connect with a girl who had been cute and fun and pretty easy to get along with and nice to meet out on the town six months ago. A relationship he hadn’t wanted to put much energy into at the time but now misses because the weather is getting colder and it’s harder to face winter alone.

 

I contemplate telling him that it’s nice that he says that but I’m dating someone. I am tempted to lie and be nice and take care of his feelings and not tell him how I feel which is that I’m not interested and a little annoyed since he is the one who walked away in the first place.

 

I still don’t understand my own anger. Maybe I’m angry because it feels so familiar, this constant reeling and pulling I feel from men, this game of drawing me close and pushing me away. Maybe it’s because this reminds me of my ex-husband when we were separated, when he would text me each night as I was falling asleep and need me.

 

I miss you. I love you. Don’t you love me? I am so sad without you. I thought we had something good. Look at our wedding pictures. We were so happy.

 

I would receive these texts and fall on my bed under the weight of his needs and emotions. I would feel so anguished, so guilty, for stating my needs. For walking away from an unhealthy situation. I would beat myself up for being so “mean” to this man who needed me so much.

 

Yuck.

 

Maybe I’m angry because it wasn’t just my husband who manipulated me with guilt. It’s my family, my co-workers, certain friends who can still activate my overwhelming sense of shame and duty. Maybe I’m upset because even though I stand up for myself and my needs now more than I ever have before, it still feels hard to do. It still feels like so much work. I still have to talk myself out of feeling like I’ve been mean, that I’ve been unreasonable.

 

I’ve missed ya

 

I run through several responses in my mind. I don’t think you really mean that, I write, choosing to be honest but not cruel. I have to get going. Talk to you later.

 

Have a nice day. What are you doing later?

 

By now I’m no longer worried about his feelings. I am wanting to not waste time on this particular conversation. Having dinner with a friend. Bye. And I resolve not to respond to any more texts. I’ve been polite but I’ve said I don’t have time to talk. I don’t need to keep responding anymore.

 

The thing is, I don’t have time for these conversations, with a guy I’ve dated or with anyone else. I don’t have time to feel like having needs makes me a cruel person. I don’t have time for the shame I feel for being myself. Toxic shame.

 

I’m proud of myself for setting this boundary, especially on a gray and gloomy day when it would be so easy to let someone into my life, even someone I worry wouldn’t ultimately treat me the way I need, just because he was cute and funny and pretty easy to get along with and nice to meet out on the town six months ago.

 

I’m realizing my irritation and my boredom with this problem is more about myself than the guy who sent me the text. I’m realizing the problem won’t leave me alone because I need to address it, but I don’t really want to, so I feel bored and irritated instead. I was getting mad at this guy for texting me because I felt like he had been disrespectful of my needs. But if I don’t own my needs why would he respect them? Why would anyone? I can’t ask someone just to be nice of his own accord. I have to make it clear I won’t tolerate anything else.

 

Brunch? I text to a friend. She responds immediately saying she’s busy but will call me later.

 

A little while later my phone chirps again. Hey! I’m planning to call you at 6, fyi. J

 

Thanks, I say to another friend, I will start the countdown. ;)

 

These are the people I want to make time for in my life, I think. This feels right. I need to remember that setting boundaries, while it feels hard, will ultimately lead me to a life filled with happier healthier respectful people in it. I need to remember it’s worth it to be strong around my needs.