Or maybe I stood myself up.
It's a little hard to say. A cute guy and I made tentative plans which I cancelled and then we rescheduled with trepidation for a dubiously late hour cocktail after my evening class. Class ended; we exchanged texts and I gave the cute guy two outs. He eventually took the out, and then I did what I always do when I'm slightly annoyed and disappointed, I made a joke and let him off the hook. He said he felt like a zombie and wanted to stay in; I said I preferred going out for drinks with vampires anyway.
I may have sabotaged the date from the start.
Then, I called my soulsister and together we analyzed the situation. He's busy. It's late. We planned the whole thing last minute anyhow. I cancelled our original plan. He probably thought I wasn't really interested. Of course it wasn't like he was standing me up. Of course he's interested. Of course things will eventually work out.
But the analysis didn't work. I still felt disappointed.
Never mind that I was a little tired myself. Never mind that I started thinking of all the things I could get done if I didn't go out tonight. Never mind that I know I am not interested in a lifelong sort of relationship with this cute guy. Never mind that I have other dates, other guys, other mild flirtations brewing in the future. Never mind that even if the cute guy did suddenly develop a devoted passion for me I would panic and worry about crushing him; I wouldn't want him to get hurt.
I still felt put out.
I began to rail against this guy in my mind. Just what was he thinking? I went out of my way to be ready to go out with him. Didn't he know what he was missing? Why did he act interested if he really wasn't? And he must be interested, right? Because if he wasn't.... well, then I'm uninteresting?
And so began the self mutilation. I must have said something wrong. I must have given off the wrong signals. I must not be so fabulous after all. If he's not interested in me, I must not be interesting to anyone.
Round and round my mind spun. Finally, it occurred to me stop. I realized I was using reason to fight off emotion. I was arguing my way out of feeling. I was pretending there was a catch, a trick, an equation I could solve to fix the problem. I was pretending not to notice the feeling that wanted out.
I finally sat down on the couch and let the feeling wash over me like a wave. It was sadness. And I stopped moving, became still, under its weight. Miraculously, the yorkie-poo who had been nothing but irritable and demanding all day stopped too and crept onto my lap. Together we were just still and sad for a minute.
Then I laughed a little, in a kind way, at the girl in my head who does this, the girl who beats herself up when something like this happens. The girl who thinks that it is her responsibility to keep people happy, keep peace, keep smiling no matter what. If someone is angry, it is my fault. If someone is sad, it is my fault. I determine my own worth by making people approve of me.
Of course, my brain knows this isn't true. And I've been able to let so much of this complex go. I can watch friends argue and know it has nothing to do with me. I can calmly sit in the middle of chaos while my mother goes slightly crazy preparing holiday meals. I can disagree with a friend and know that I do not need her approval of my opinion in order for it to be valid.
But I still get stuck with my particular strand of neurosis--peoplepleaseria-- when it comes to dating.
Tonight, yorkie-poo on lap, I felt my sadness and then I let it go. I chuckled kindly at that girl. I let her say her piece and then I hugged her and said, "honey, you're amazing."
And the scary thing is, I suddenly knew it was a little bit true. I felt another wave, a wave of certainty, wash over me. I suddenly knew that I am meant to experience these bumps, that I am meant to write about it, and that someday, maybe not too far away, I am meant to find that person in my life, that great love. I suddenly knew all this and I shivered.
And I don't know which is scarier, thinking no one will ever love me, or knowing someday someone will.
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